fuck why does he have to get my hopes up like this, and then let me down again? i didn’t even think about him at all before he said he wanted to see me.

i am so mad.

i know she cares, but she could try to do it in a way that doesn’t annoy the living hell out of me.

fuck.

even if nothing happens between us, i want him to at least have a good impression of me in his head. wow, if he knew, he’d be so surprised. he wouldn’t even guess it.

i’ve always had a soft spot for people lower down on the social food chain.

if i could escape, and recreate a place as my own world

and i could be your favourite girl

forever

perfectly together

now tell me boy now

wouldn’t that be sweet?

my basketball shoes are sitting underneath my desk, waiting to be used. i just got them recently, but they already look pretty worn out. i guess i’m too hard on them.

i think i should get some charcoal for my sketches. it’ll be a nice change from using pencils and markers all the time.

i wonder how curly’s doing. sunflower called me a little while earlier. i wonder if that guy curly’s been seeing has called her back. she texted him and told him her real age.

i want to feel inspired.

sometimes, i just don’t want to see any guests. i don’t want to have to entertain them, or work at keeping a conversation going. i just want people to leave me alone to myself. it’s not like i hate other people, but i just feel like i have to work hard at keeping a certain image up in front of others. i can’t be sloppy or boring or mean in front of them. i have to keep up interesting things to say so they’ll like me. it’s just so much work.

sometimes, i just want to sit at my computer, writing, sketching, or listening to music. sometimes all of them combined (somehow).

i wonder if i should make a sketchblog. i’ve never shown anybody my work before. i’m a little nervous. what would they think of it? i should probably make it anonymous, and see what strangers on the internet think of my work. if i get a positive reply i might show it to my friends. or i can make a new blog, put selected pieces on there, and then show it to my friends. i don’t think i’ll get all that far with my sketching. it’s just a way for me to release my creativity.

i can’t get that old piano song out of my head.

just daydreaming again. drawing some pictures too. i’d love to get to know him better, but i don’t think he’d like to get to know me. i wonder if he ever considers spending time with me. i doubt it. i hope so.

not sure what space i’m in.

oh well.

i really want to do something with my friends. like maybe arrange a sleepover together and watch movies. i love doing that with them. this time, it’s my friend (let’s call her ‘curly’)'s turn to host it. as usual, we’ll watch a million movies and stay awake all night talking and eating snacks. my other best friend (let’s call her ‘sunflower’ ) will come too. i’ve known curly since before kindergarden, and i’ve known sunflower since kindergarden. me and sunflower have only become best friends in the past three years, but me and curly have been friends forever. i hate it when they feel left out when two of us go off and do something together and the other couldn’t or didn’t come.

now that i think about them both, i’m so grateful for these friends. they stick by me no matter what, and i could always count on them to come with me on whatever pointless or weird thing i want to do. sometimes they aren’t so enthusiastic, but they do it anyways. i love them both.

i know how to get my scanner working now.

i just need something to scan.

i feel like eating.

i eat when i’m bored.

is that normal?