stupid boy.

he’s so fucking confusing. he tells his best friend that he for sure wants to go out with me, and that he really likes me. he tells one of my best friends that he does again. but then, he doesn’t fucking do anything about it. i have had to call him all the time, just so we’d hang out. i always have to talk to him first. so all that just makes me wonder, does he actually really like me at all?

fuck why does he have to get my hopes up like this, and then let me down again? i didn’t even think about him at all before he said he wanted to see me.

i am so mad.

i daydream way too much for my own good.

a little pissed.

i hate her. why does she always have to be so controlling over other people? my life is not her life. if i want to go off and get pissed drunk, she should let me. fuck. i don’t need another mom. why does she have to know everything about everyone? she just sticks her nose in the privacy of other people. first she tried to read my diary, and got one of my biggest secrets out of me (which isn’t so secret now because the fucker that the secret is about had to go off and tell everyone and their cousin), and now she tries to make me live my life the way she wants. it makes me feel so immature, as if i need someone looking after me all the time. i can fucking do that myself. i don’t need a goddamn babysitter.

i know she cares, but she could try to do it in a way that doesn’t annoy the living hell out of me.

fuck.

 

i want to be friends with him pretty badly, but i just don’t know how. it’s so hard. what do i say to make him interested in me? this isn’t the same person as before. he’s a little different. i’m a little embarrassed about my crush on him, because he’s not exactly the most popular person in school.

even if nothing happens between us, i want him to at least have a good impression of me in his head. wow, if he knew, he’d be so surprised. he wouldn’t even guess it.

i’ve always had a soft spot for people lower down on the social food chain.

if i could escape, and recreate a place as my own world

and i could be your favourite girl

forever

perfectly together

now tell me boy now

wouldn’t that be sweet?

i want to feel inspired.

just sitting at my computer, absorbing the sun’s rays that seep in through my window. i haven’t opened my textbook once today. i keep telling myself, i’ll do it later. later. there’s just always something more interesting to do.

my basketball shoes are sitting underneath my desk, waiting to be used. i just got them recently, but they already look pretty worn out. i guess i’m too hard on them.

i think i should get some charcoal for my sketches. it’ll be a nice change from using pencils and markers all the time.

i wonder how curly’s doing. sunflower called me a little while earlier. i wonder if that guy curly’s been seeing has called her back. she texted him and told him her real age.

i want to feel inspired.

guests & sketchblog

my head hurts and i hate studying.

sometimes, i just don’t want to see any guests. i don’t want to have to entertain them, or work at keeping a conversation going. i just want people to leave me alone to myself. it’s not like i hate other people, but i just feel like i have to work hard at keeping a certain image up in front of others. i can’t be sloppy or boring or mean in front of them. i have to keep up interesting things to say so they’ll like me. it’s just so much work.

sometimes, i just want to sit at my computer, writing, sketching, or listening to music. sometimes all of them combined (somehow).

i wonder if i should make a sketchblog. i’ve never shown anybody my work before. i’m a little nervous. what would they think of it? i should probably make it anonymous, and see what strangers on the internet think of my work. if i get a positive reply i might show it to my friends. or i can make a new blog, put selected pieces on there, and then show it to my friends. i don’t think i’ll get all that far with my sketching. it’s just a way for me to release my creativity.

i just exported everything from my old blog and put it into wordpress. a good idea? i’m not sure. i’m kind of having second thoughts about my username, but i really like the name of the blog.

i can’t get that old piano song out of my head.

old piano.

What’s that you’re saying there
Oh well
Rain rushing window pain
Oh well
Can’t see what space i’m in
Oh well
But i’m safe inside me here
Oh well

 

 

just daydreaming again. drawing some pictures too. i’d love to get to know him better, but i don’t think he’d like to get to know me. i wonder if he ever considers spending time with me. i doubt it. i hope so.

 

not sure what space i’m in.

oh well.

friends.

today i went to the grocery store with my mom, and then she bought me a cappuccino. we then took a walk up these stairs and sat on a bench, talking. it was so nice to share my thoughts and feelings with a family member. i haven’t really done that in a while. it’s usually just been me and my friends. i don’t think i let my mom in enough. it’s so nice to talk to her, because she shares a lot of the same views that i do. of course, i can’t tell her EVERYTHING, but i can tell her a lot. just like how i can’t tell my friends everything either. it’s nice to just go out somewhere and be alone with someone, and just talk. you learn a lot about the person.

i really want to do something with my friends. like maybe arrange a sleepover together and watch movies. i love doing that with them. this time, it’s my friend (let’s call her ‘curly’)'s turn to host it. as usual, we’ll watch a million movies and stay awake all night talking and eating snacks. my other best friend (let’s call her ‘sunflower’ ) will come too. i’ve known curly since before kindergarden, and i’ve known sunflower since kindergarden. me and sunflower have only become best friends in the past three years, but me and curly have been friends forever. i hate it when they feel left out when two of us go off and do something together and the other couldn’t or didn’t come.

now that i think about them both, i’m so grateful for these friends. they stick by me no matter what, and i could always count on them to come with me on whatever pointless or weird thing i want to do. sometimes they aren’t so enthusiastic, but they do it anyways. i love them both.

Ceylon.

i feel so goddamn lazy today. i just want to fall asleep and sleep until summer comes around. just skip the rest of school. not do anything. at all. jesus, i’m tired.

i know how to get my scanner working now.

i just need something to scan.

i feel like eating.

i eat when i’m bored.

is that normal?